Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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