I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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