so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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