I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Randomize
