Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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