He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
