i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize