Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
