I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
