I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
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