I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
