I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
FUCK WHALES
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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