Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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