i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Well I just put wine in my tea
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
