all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
