There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
