My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
