Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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