Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
