No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
