He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
