Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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