You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
