Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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