her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
