I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
