He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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