Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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