2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
