Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
