I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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