I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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