Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
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