3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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