you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
