one two three fourrrrnication!
you guys were way drunker than both of me
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
