I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Randomize
