real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
