so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
