I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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