I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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