i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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