I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
