I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
