I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
