No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
