The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
