he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
