if i can run in heels then i can drive
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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