Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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