Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
