can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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