it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
