currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
