Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
