you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
