yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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