i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
