if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She is in my trunk
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
