i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
my phone needs a breathalizer
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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