Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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