And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
