Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
