my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
