and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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