FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Even my vagina gasped.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
