Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
