Where are you?
In a non slutty way
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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