Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
