i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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